I would love to step into the shoes of someone who didn’t have to watch this movie.

This is my review of The Cobbler!

The Cobbler tells the story of Max Simkin, a New York cobbler who can quite literally step into the lives of his customers by fixing their shoes with a magical stitching machine and then wearing the shoes.
Have you ever watched a movie that was meant to be a short film, but was then auctioned off to a drunk guy and given the budget for a feature film?  Yeah, that’s this movie.

The Cobbler suffers from the same problem as Fant4stic Four; it’s a story that is given to the wrong director teamed up with the wrong actor and is filmed in the wrong format.  Fant4stic Four shouldn’t have been dark and gritty, and The Cobbler should have been animated and NOT starring Adam Sandler.
Why do I say that The Cobbler should have been animated?  Well, for one, the musical score belongs in an animated flick.  In a live-action movie, the bouncy musical score is obnoxious.  It doesn’t make my ears bleed, but it sure as heck isn’t The Imitation Game soundtrack!  Also, the entire premise would have worked better if done by Pixar or Illumination (the folks behind the Despicable Me franchise).

I get the feeling that this movie is desperate to be “Amelie” without having a proper understanding of the “Amelie” story formula.  Granted, I didn’t like “Amelie,” but I have respect for that film.  Why?  Because it was self-aware.  You see, “Amelie” was structured as a modern-day fairy tale.  Early on, it established itself as a whacky, offbeat universe.  The music, costume and the color palate matched the vibe of the film.  Amelie Poulain had neurotic parents, an odd upbringing and was a little strange herself, so it was easier to go along with the whimsy of her saga.
Meanwhile, The Cobbler takes none of those necessary steps to classify itself as a modern-day fairy tale.  The film’s tone is very indecisive, as if the filmmakers couldn’t decide if The Cobbler should be a quirky comedy or a character study that features a magic stitching machine.

For an Adam Sandler movie, he has very little to do.  All he does is look sad, mention his absent father who walked out because–potatoes–and put on shoes.  That’s pretty much it for his performance.  As for the other actors, they don’t have much to work with.  Here’s an example: Method Man plays a gangster.  In his first scene with Sandler, he’s a chill guy.  However, in the second act, he does a 180 and become unrealistically nasty.  Gangster doesn’t equal automatic hothead.  There’s a way to write the gangster archetype correctly.  Just go watch Black Mass if you want proof of this.

I had this movie playing on Netflix while working on the study guide for my upcoming Sign Language quiz.  The Cobbler is so not engaging that I got more enjoyment out of writing, “17% of people in the United States classify as hard-of-hearing” and “90% of Deaf people are born to hearing parents.”
I envy anyone who never has to hear the uninspired dialogue of The Cobbler.

Saint Zita, pray for us.